I’m not an apologist for violent felons, but the line needs to be drawn somewhere…
Consider the case of Terry Lee Alexander. Mr. Alexander has lived a life filled with bad choices. After committing armed robbery, he got himself a well-deserved 10 year stay in prison. That should be the end of the story.
Now cue the calliope music that is usually needed when discussing the State of Flori-duh.
Mr. Alexander, (deservedly) deprived of his freedom, his right to vote, his right to see his family, and all the other rights you surrender when you become a guest of the State of Florida, decided to exercise the one right I thought you got to keep in prison. Yes, I’m referring to good old fashioned masturbation.
Broward Sheriff’s Office Deputy Coryus Veal, working as a prison guard, apparently just couldn’t handle it. She filed criminal charges against him for indecent exposure (as she has against seven other inmates for the same thing). Yes, she is trained in the use of deadly force, works in one of the toughest professions you can have, but claims that she was “offended” when Alexander started jacking off in his prison cell bunk.
The story really should end here, but no. It goes on.
The law says:
It is unlawful to expose or exhibit one’s sexual organs in public or on the private premises of another, or so near there to as to be seen from such private premises, in a vulgar or indecent manner.
Given that Alexander’s egregious crime took place, and Deputy Veal filed charges, the Broward County State Attorney’s Office actually prosecuted the guy! I wish I had the creativity to make this kind of stuff up.
Oh, wait for it… waiiiit for it….
Yep, a jury convicted him of indecent exposure. (source). His sentence? 60 extra days. 10 years for armed robbery, and two extra months for masturbation in public. (source)
Lets give out some awards, shall we? Here are the candidates.
Well, first lets give out the “I feel bad for you/good soldier award.” That goes to prosecutor Cynthia Lauriston. I’m going to give her the benefit of the doubt and presume that if it were up to her, she wouldn’t have prosecuted this case. This poor kid got her bar license less than a year ago, so I’m sure that her supervisor had a good laugh at handing her the file. Nevertheless, the kid took the file and actually got the conviction. As much as it sucks, Mr. Alexander’s life wasn’t really changed much by the conviction, so we can’t say that she really did anything supremely unjust. (Cynthia, if you read this, the first thing I ever did with my Florida Bar license was handle a file about baby feces in a trailer park pool, so I feel your pain).
The gold for “good soldier” goes to public defender, Kathleen McHugh. First off, she “gets it.”
I think the government’s gone awry,” McHugh said. “Has it been a slow year in crime that they’ve got to go prosecute masturbation in the Broward County Jail? Aren’t there more heinous crimes to prosecute, like drug trafficking or sexual predators?(source)
McHugh also should get a nod for giving her client good advice. My first thought was “why not just plead guilty?” The problem is, had he done so, he would have been released in 10 years both as a convicted felon and as a convicted sex offender. He’ll still likely have to register as a sex offender, but fighting the charge was the right thing to do for her client – and the right thing to do for society. This kind of chicken-shit should be resisted at every juncture. Ms. McHugh, I’ve got a cocktail with your name on it.
Ok, now on to the ass-hat awards!
The honorable mention/”Mr. Congeniality” award goes to Mr. Alexander himself. I can understand getting into trouble, but to be convicted of armed robbery, you’ve got to be a bad boy. So, Mr. Alexander, take a bow. May your 10 years in prison be unpleasant and a constant reminder that you don’t rob other people. On the other hand, may your 60 days for masturbating in your cell be filled with happiness.
The Bronze ass-hat medal goes to Deputy Veal. For christ’s sake, the guy is 20 years old, in prison, and masturbating in his bunk. Shouldn’t this be the least of your worries as a prison guard? Other guys are raping each other, shivving each other, and this guy gets a criminal charge filed against him? The cells have exposed metal toilets in them, so I’m sure Deputy Veal has seen Mr. Alexander defecate more than once. The defense attorney asked her, about the incident, “Did you call a SWAT team?” Her reply? “I wish I had.” Honestly, I considered giving her the gold, but given that comment alone, consider the psychological profile of Deputy Veal. She must be an abject idiot, unqualified to dispense slurpies at your local convenience store, who has lived a life of complete and utter unhappiness and powerlessness. So, I have a little compassion for abject idiots. Therefore, she only gets the Bronze. She does get the “most deserving of sterilization” award.
The Silver ass-hat medal goes to the jury in this case for agreeing that a prison cell is a “limited access public place.” If I were on the jury, I’d have refused to convict just because of the absurdity of the charges. Fort Lauderdale isn’t the first place I would go looking for Rhodes Scholars, but I’d have expected that even a Broward County jury would have been smart enough to laugh this one off. (But, again, we have to hand it to the prosecutor. If you don’t admire her ethics, you at least have to admire her skill).
The Gold ass-hat medal goes to Broward County State Attorney Michael Satz. Wasn’t there a better way to use state resources than adding 60 days to a guy’s sentence for playing with himself while already incarcerated?
Broward taxpayers have been footing the bill — $91.29 a day — to keep Alexander in the main jail while the indecent exposure case has worked its way to a trial date. The grand total for Alexander’s incarceration in that case is nearly $21,000. On top of that, the public will pay $1,150 for his attorney.(source)
I’m not saying that the prison system shouldn’t be able to discipline its inmates. I’m not even saying that an inmate should be able to wave the firehose anywhere he likes. Nevertheless, they went through jury selection, having a prosecutor AND a public defender work on this file, and used courtroom time to bring this to an actual criminal hearing? Shame on you, you petty little despot. Here, put on your golden ass-hat.
And people wonder why when I’m asked, “where are you from?” I always say “I am from Massachusetts but I currently live in Flori-duh.”
Other sources on this story:
- Reason Magazine
- Stuck on the Palmetto
- Andrew Sullivan (who notes that this story is not from The Onion)
- Quizlaw
- The Oratorical Snob
- The ABA Journal
- Amorous Propensities
- Spin the Cat
- Larko
- Bad Cop News
I’m just dying to hear Marty Klein’s take on this.
