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Advice for this weekend and all others

By J. DeVoy

As the last man standing, literally, and the only unmarried regular Satyriconista, it’s become my de facto role to bring some dating realism to the blog and unite it with legal and social commentary.  This must be hilarious to anyone who knows me in real life.  I mostly link to stuff that works and marinate it with cynicism.

So, without further ado, a guide for defensive casual and more-than-casual hookups.

I. Use only the weakest pretexts to get her to your place.

If a girl wants to go home with you, she will, as long as some reason is given that doesn’t make her feel cheap and used.  The problem is that men (well, betas, but whatever) think that they need a compelling reason to bring her back.  As a result, they start talking about things she has to see – his home theater setup, his collection of books, and so on.  Art is a commonly used reason, and it can be fairly interesting, especially if it’s of an exploding astronaut or Hulk Hogan embracing a zombie.

The problem is that she might think she’s there for the art, and you assume she’s there for more.  Things get awkward, and the window for more than stilted conversation slams shut like so many rusty bear traps.  Plus, ambiguity is the breeding ground of false rape charges, a top-five fear for all men alongside prostate cancer and erectile dysfunction.

Avoid this quandry by using the flimsiest excuses possible.  Tell her that you have incredible tap water and she has to come up and try it.  Invite her to inspect your bedding’s thread count.  It doesn’t matter what, it just can’t be something anyone would legitimately find interesting.

This doesn’t discount the importance of delivery; none of the above statements can be said deadpan and work.  But, those statements are less likely to be lies, and a better barometer of a girl’s interest.  If she says no, then she says no.  But if she says yes to something that a person without interest in sleeping with you would like, such as artwork, you’ve created at least a socially awkward situation and possibly a serious legal threat to your freedom.

II. Make the sex really, really good.

If you don’t, she might cry rape!  Really.  As the mug shots show, expecting good sex is not just the province of attractive women whom many men desire.

Caught in a bad romance!


Furthermore, good sex means she’ll be back for more.  It may not be a perfect or stable relationship, but members of a gender that can rationalize staying committed to men who physically beat them likely have no problem returning to the font of all good things.

Proponents of monogamy, myself included, might find this abhorrent on some level. But, setting the fact that relationships are based on more than sex aside, this tactic is just another tool for building the stable, committed relationship you want.

III. Never stop being cool and interesting.

Winning her interest by being cool and interesting doesn’t mean your job is done, unless you’re having a serious case of buyer’s remorse.  The bravado and assholish ways that carried you to this point might be toned down a bit to yield something more sustainable, honest and, dare I even say it — vulnerable.

But, if you’re boring and don’t think about or do anything — a particular problem for lawyers and law students because so much of their work is confidential, mind-numbing, or both — she will lose interest.  Don’t lie, but think back on your life experiences and release them gradually, slowly building your narrative.  Lawyers, especially litigators, should have no problem knowing how to tell a story and keep the audience wanting more.

As Ferdinand Bardamu perfectly states:

[I]f you want to sell anything, you have to be cool. Coolness is the primary reason why the Roissysphere blossomed out of nowhere to become a potent intellectual force in the span of less than three years while the much older men’s rights movement is perennially fighting off accusations of loserness. (Full disclosure: I am a men’s rights supporter.) If you libertarians want others to respect you, maybe even accept your ideas as correct, you need to drop the shtick and learn to be cool. Getting hyper-defensive when people point out the truth about you and making bad music videos will ensure you remain an ignored minority.

For lawyers, don’t get to the point.  Dwell on the ambiguity and put that previously worthless B.A. in English to work.  Never merely say that you’re an attorney for, say, big tobacco or an insurance company: You might as well follow up with, “and I kick small animals for fun in my 5 hours of free time each week,” as it wouldn’t do any additional damage.  Frame yourself as the guy who exposes lying, greedy personal injury plaintiffs for what they are, or as an above-it-all playwright who makes others pay for their own stupidity as a day job.  Lying is wrong, but unflinching directness is for losers.

Make no mistake, this is a man’s duty.  Women should be thoughtful and interesting, but there’s less of a burden on them to have top 1% life experiences, success, personality and attraction-winning X-factor.  Most readers of this blog have standards requiring women to reach a certain threshold of education and life experience, but anything beyond that isn’t truly necessary; men want girls who fundamentally are caring, thoughtful, and happy to cook for them every once in a while.

When you’re cool and interesting, though, you can do anything and people will worship you for it.  Just ask Roman Polanski.

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