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And this is who Jesus allegedly died for?!

By J. DeVoy

A Florida man recently pled no contest to five misdemeanor theft counts arising from his theft of food from various restaurants and stores.  Though spared jail time, the court required the defendant, George Jolicoeur, to pay court costs and restitution.  This conduct was hardly new for Jolicoeur, who had been grifting free food from businesses for years.

Seminole County Sheriff’s Officer report details an August 2007 incident in which Jolicoeur attempted a refund scam at a 7-Eleven. Jolicoeur, described as having “labored breathing, similar to wheezing,” claimed to have purchased $50 worth of beef jerky that turned out to be moldy. When Seminole cop Jeff Sabounji went to Jolicoeur’s home to arrest him, the officer reported hearing “what sounded like a male trying to cover his voice as a female. The person said that Jolicoeur was not here.” At that point, Sabounji noted, “I could hear a female inside of the residence stating, ‘George, just turn yourself in.'”

You can’t write comedy like this.  They’ve tried, and it sucked.  But wait; there’s more!

As he was later being transported to jail, Jolicoeur explained to Sabounji, “the beef jerky got me.”

Words can’t describe.  Since he was being taken to jail, Jolicoeur presumably had been Mirandized at some point.  Yet, he attributes all his problems to the beef jerky, as if it – an inanimate object – had laid quietly in wait before striking, ruining his life for mere laughs.

Jolicoeur was busted again two months later for swindling $50 from a different 7-Eleven store. Masquerading as a fireman, Jolicoeur pretended to have been sold 10 “damaged” containers of Breyers ice cream, according to an Oviedo Police Department report. Not surprisingly, he claimed to have purchased 10 gallons of the frozen confection.

George Jolicoeur: A man of a million identities.  Sometimes a woman, sometimes a fireman, but always hungry.  I wonder whether his female persona devised the theft as a precursor to a marathon of Sex and the City or Twin Peaks.

Even considering that this happened in Florida, such theft is not the conduct of rational, normal people.  But, it might just be the province of 600-pound men who breathe with the aid of a respirator.

To be fair, Jolicoeur’s activities were pretty enterprising for someone in his condition.  His claim of being a firefighter is a bit incredible, but at least he’s trying.  The classical moral dilemma in such situations where a man and his family must eat revolves around bread, though, and not ice cream or beef jerky.

For non-Christians and those who have never seen the film Seven, the seven deadly sins are lust, gluttony, pride, greed, sloth, wrath and envy.  While not satisfying a majority of the seven in this case, Jolicoeur and others of his ilk – they need not be named, as we all know a George Jolicoeur – should make us question whether humanity is really worth saving, whether through healthcare, science or any other human effort.  For those who believe, one should really question if Jesus would have died for us if he knew this is how we’d repay him.

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