I am NOT voting for John McCain.
Nevertheless, I say he has a damn good chance of pulling this election out of his ass and squeaking by.
As George Carlin said, “Think how dumb the average American is. Now, remember, half of all Americans are dumber than that.” Therein lies the key.
Nixon’s “silent majority” are still alive, and they had a LOT more kids than the smart people did in the 1970s. These are the idiots who bought houses they couldn’t afford and now want a bailout (while shrieking that they want lower taxes for the rich and less government in their lives), believe that a magical zombie will be upset if we let gays marry, who are convinced that deeper tax cuts for people making more than $250,000 a year (even though they won’t likely earn that much in their lifetimes) are a good thing, and who think that education and intelligence are something to be ashamed of. These are people who cry for “less government,” yet complied (nay demanded) that America surrender to Osama Bin Laden by turning our Bill of Rights into cat litter.
My fellow Americans, meet your electorate:
I don’t care what the polls say about Florida “turning blue.” If you think that your vacation in Fort Lauderdale gave you an image of what Flori-duh is like, you are sadly mistaken. Get off the main highways, and those three (or reasonable facsimiles) are sitting waiting for you in Nassau County, the Panhandle, Valrico, Eustis, Baldwin, and Polk County, Polk County, Polk County, Polk County, and Polk County.
God help us.
The same goes for North Carolina, Ohio, Indiana, West Virginia, Missouri, Indiana, and Virginia. These alleged “battleground states” have some pockets of blue. For example, the Raleigh-Durham area has more Ph.Ds than anywhere else in America. Unfortunately, that little bastion of intellect will never be able to overwhelm the great seething masses who don’t believe in evolution (And why should they? It hasn’t happened to them yet) or the Bill of Rights. They believe whatever Sean Hannity tells them to believe.
Even the “educated” across the battleground states are not reliably intelligent. (and I really don’t believe that education and intelligence have anything to do with one another) Consider my own grandmother: She is a life-long Democrat, and she was an outspoken feminist and abortion rights advocate before it was at all fashionable, let alone safe, to be one — especially in the South. She doesn’t care what happens to abortion rights, she “simply can’t bear the thought of the White House turning black.”
Yep, a lifetime of fighting for abortion rights and she’s selling it now to make sure that the president has the “right” skin tone. Of course, that’s not as bad as my grandfather, a die-hard Democrat, who thinks that Obama, OJ, Oprah, and Tiger Woods are all in a conspiracy “to give the country to the coloreds.” He’s voting for McCain too. These are two people who I could convince to jump off the A. Piatt Andrew bridge if it meant that I would visit them a little more often. (Good luck to the Jews participating in “The Great Schlep” – it wouldn’t work with Italians).
What about all these “new voters” that the Democrats registered? Satyriconista Jon Blevins said it best — they’ll all be sitting on their couches watching The Daily Show on November 4th saying “Oh shit! Was that today? Bummer.”
Add the dipshitness of most voters in key states to the brilliant voter suppression efforts of the Republicans (“brilliant” the way that the Reichstag fire was a “brilliant” move), throw in a dash of “black box voting,” the complete doper/slackoise/clueless nature of these “new voters,” and the indelible bigotry of “The Greatest Generation” and you’ve got the keys to a McCain-Palin presidency — no matter what the two of them say or do. It doesn’t matter who wins the debates. It doesn’t matter who has the better plan. If you can win both the elderly and the stupid, you win the election. McCain-Palin has those two groups sewn up tighter than a Sudanese virgin.
We are an idiocracy. If you didn’t figure that out in 2000 or 2004, it is time for you to get used to it.
November 5 may very well look like this: McCain and Palin as Prezdunt and Vahs Prezdunt elect, “nucular” as the official way to pronounce it, and the idiots drooling and cheering as the neo-cons start figuring out how to get rid of the last remnants of the Bill of Rights.