Top Ten Reasons that that the USPTO no longer takes note of the facts when issuing Office Actions

I belong to a Trademark Lawyer’s newsgroup. One of my friends on that group (who will remain un-named) made the following understatement of the year:

“I have noticed Office Actions quoting right out of the TMEP, and apparently taking little note of the facts.”

I called the USPTO to ask them what they thought of this statement.

After pressing option 1, 5, 9, and then pressing zero five hundred times, I was connected to someone in a position of authority at the USPTO. I reported this comment to them, and they said that they knew about this situation and were just about to release a statement on it.

I asked if they would please provide me with a copy, and the courteously sent me the following press release on this “problem.”

Top Ten Reasons that that the USPTO no longer takes note of the facts when issuing Office Actions:

1. USPTO policy is to use TRUTHINESS, not facts.
2. The is now under the authority of the office of faith based initiatives – facts are just a theory.
3. USPTO office dog ate the facts.
4. We do take note of the facts, we just take note of the facts as we imagine them to be, which is not necessarily how the Applicant knows them to be, nor as they necessarily are (or may) be. Nevertheless, we decide, based on information that we are not prepared to share at this time, what the facts are. In our opinion, those are the facts and thus they become the facts, then we take note of them and apply them as necessary to the decision we already made in anticipation of our decision on what the facts are (or should be) which is our prerogative. If you don’t agree, you hate the troops. – Tony Snow.
5. Due to improvements at the USPTO, the link to the facts is not available until 48 hours after we issue the Office Action.
6. There is no Function Key for “analyze facts” on the USPTO computer keyboards.
7. Mr. Hand tore up my hall pass on the way to the fact-room.
8. ALL YOUR FACTS ARE BELONG TO US!!!
9. If we use facts, the terrorists win.
10. Facts are shocking, immoral, and scandalous, and thus prohibited by Section 2(a).

Yes, I am kidding. Yes, this is Parody. No, I don’t hate the USPTO. Nevertheless, the USPTO does deserve a little ribbing these days. If you saw some of the absolute bunk in some of the office actions I have seen lately, you’d be cruel, not just parodic.