It gets awfully cold in Ann Arbor, Michigan this time of year. Our sources report that a man, most likely a homeless vagrant, has been bopping his baloney in the Michigan Law Library. Well, christ, with the temperature hovering around -3 fahrenheit, a poor guy’s wiener might just go all brittle and shatter if he did it the old fashioned way — hiding in the bushes outside while murmuring “free candy… freeeee candy.” Accordingly, our vagrant-du-jour has decided to engage in his practice of the fapping arts in the hallowed halls of the Michigan Law School library.
“I am not positive that it was a homeless guy,” said a source familiar with the incident who asked not to be named for fear of retribution. “But, I would bet cold hard cash — you see shady fucks in there all the time.”
This particular “shady fuck” and his antics prompted the following bulletin to be broadcast to the entire Michigan Law student body:
From: David H. Baum
Date: Fri, Feb 19, 2010 at 3:31 PM
Subject: Incidents in Law Library
To: “Law School Official List: May10″
To: Law student community
Cc: Law Library staff
We have received a report that on two recent Saturday afternoons, the same man indecently exposed himself in the sub-levels of the Law Library. Each time, he sat down near a female law student at a study table, discreetly and quietly pulled his pants part of the way down his legs, and touched himself inappropriately. In each instance, once he was aware that he had been noticed, he quickly left the library. In neither incident did he overtly confront the student nor behave in an aggressive manner toward her.
He was described as a medium- to dark-complected black male in his early 30’s, 5’7”, 160 pounds, bald (almost polished head), last seen wearing a brown coat, black sweater, tan pants and a brown or off green knit hat.
The Department of Public Safety is actively involved in addressing this issue. If you have observed similar behavior in the past in the library (or anywhere in Hutchins Hall or the Legal Research building), please contact Officer Richard Zavala or Officer David Dupuis either by e-mail or telephone.
If you observe similar behavior in the future, please immediately report the matter to DPS by calling that same number. Once you have reported the matter to DPS, please let the Office of Student Affairs know about the incident as well by e-mailing firstname.lastname@example.org.
David H. Baum
Assistant Dean and Senior Manager of Student Affairs
University of Michigan Law School
I am a “glass is half full” kind of guy, so lets focus on the positive here.
Without condoning Spanky Mc Fapperson’s antics, it does sound as if he exercised good manners whilst tossing his tallywhacker. The good dean describes his jacking technique as both “discreet” and “quiet.” At least the guy was exercising proper library etiquette! He was neither overtly confrontational nor aggressive, and he left when his welcome seemed worn out. Aside from the masturbating in the library part, it sounds like he was downright gentlemanly. He is a credit to homeless compulsive masturbators everywhere.
A Michigan Law Student we interviewed for this article informed us that Spanky’s efforts might have gone unnoticed, had he brought his penile motion in a better venue. “If you are going to jerk it, you have to do it in the rare book room,” he said.