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New Laws Pertaining to Airline Travel

1. Surprise Reclining Banned: Before you recline your seat, turn around and ASK the person behind you. At the very least, even if they’re a jerk about it, they’ll have time to move their laptop. Punishment for violations – it is perfectly acceptable to kick their seat for the entire flight.

2. If you have checked baggage, sit the fuck down when the plane lands. You can’t leave the airport until your bags come to the carousel. You will be standing at a carousel for at least 20 minutes waiting for your luggage. Let the people who only brought carry-ons off the damn plane.

3. Slow asses must accommodate movers. If you’re flying, then that means you are trying to GET SOMEWHERE. You know if you’re slow. Here are some indications: You’re old, you’re fat, you’re old and fat, you use a cane, you have a limp, you’re just a slow moving piece of shit. Get the hell out of the way. If someone who has not lived on cheeseburgers and episodes of Hee Haw for their entire life squeezes around you, you don’t get to act pissed off. Some of us are not on vacation. In fact, most of us are not on vacation. Get out of the way.

4. Kids must be controlled. If your kids cry, then I understand that it can’t be avoided. I’m sure it is bothering you more than it is bothering me, and short of smothering them, there’s not much you can do. What CAN be avoided is your kid kicking a seat, playing with the tray table, or otherwise being an avoidable nuisance to fellow passengers. I should be allowed to punch you if your kid disturbs me after one warning. If its my kid, you can bet your ass that I’d rather make them cry than let them kick your seat.

5. No asking to trade up from the middle seat. I’ve been asked this a lot — woman (its always a woman) gets on the plane and sits in the middle seat next to me. She wants me to trade seats with her or her husband/child — who is in a different row, but ALSO in a middle seat. I always decline. I am never polite about it, and I damn well should not have to be. Often, I’ve paid extra for that seat. If not, I at least had my head out of my ass when making the reservation, and I took steps not to get crammed in the middle seat. So, since you were too cheap to pay the $25 for the window or aisle seat, or because you failed to plan, I’m an asshole for saying “hell no” when you want me to spend 3 hours in a middle seat? This is asshole behavior. I know I sound like a dick when I say “no way.” You don’t get to put me in that situation. Worse than that, you don’t get to ask until you find some poor sap who thinks he needs to be a gentleman. You fucked up. YOU sit in the middle seat. If you want to switch with an aisle or a window passenger, you had better have at least $50 to sweeten the deal. I would not accept $50 for it, but someone might. That should be the minimum charge to trade with a middle seat fool.

6. Headrest hoisters shall be euthanized. This is always an old man. He is usually from Arizona or Florida. He has to piss 4 times an hour, and every time he grabs the headrest of the person in front of him to stand up — as if nobody is sitting in that seat. If you can’t get up from your seat without grabbing my headrest, it is time to euthanize you because you are no longer useful to anyone on this planet. There are armrests on your fucking chair. Use them.

7. The middle seat person gets the armrest — on both sides. Don’t be a dick the the middle seat person. If it is two-row seating, then the aisle person should get it. Window seater can always lean against the bulkhead.

8. No helping fellow passengers with carry ons. I know this seems mean. But, it is time for natural selection to work its magic. I will not help you with your carry on bag unless you’re a hot girl and or you’re traveling with kids or a handicapped flight companion. Why? Because fuck you, that’s why. Ever since the airlines started charging for checked bags, every cheapskate and poor thinks that they can just carry on a suitcase that they can’t possibly manage — so they can save $20. That means that it takes that much longer to board the plane, as some shit head stands in the aisle not knowing how to get a suitcase crammed into an overhead bin — as if the laws of physics do not apply to their bag. That means that when its time to get off the plane, those of us who know how to fly are stuck waiting behind you to get off. When there are 10 of you on every flight, that means the plane empties out 20 minutes later, that accordions into flight delays. You annoy us when you’re in our way, and you annoy us when the aggregate effect of you and your fellow shit heads means that we miss a connection. Check your bag.

9. If you’re old or so large that you need a seat belt extender, get the fuck out of the emergency row seat. I know that there is almost a zero chance that you’ll be called upon to actually do anything. But, if you’re not in the physical shape to help out, then get out of that seat. Stewardess? You’ll break my balls for leaving my cell phone on, which has no chance of ever doing anything to the plane, but you won’t speak up when someone who clearly could never fit through the emergency exit has plopped themselves right down in front of it?

10. The bathroom is for three things — pissing, shitting, and occasionally fucking. If you feel the need to join the mile high club and you have a travel companion who is game, then have at it. You should use the aft bathroom to maximize your chances of getting away with it. If that’s what you’re doing, then take as much time as you need. Other than that, get in there, take your piss or your shit and be done with it. Do not sit in there and fix your makeup, lady. You have a purse with a mirror, do that at your seat. Other people are out here who need to take a piss. If you have to take a shit, unless you’re going to shit your pants, then wait til you are on the ground. If I ran an airline, my planes would automatically eject you from the aircraft from the bathroom after 5 minutes unless you pay $20 for another 5 minutes (its worth the money for mile high club and for extra crapping time). That’s all it takes to piss – regardless of your gender.

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