Penis Pumps Pwned! Uncle Sam Saves Us From Penis-Enlargement Scams – Provokes Possible Trade War With Sweden

The FDA has finally figured out that this isn't a good idea. — This is not the FDA's Bag, Baby.

Last week, the guy behind the Enzyte scam got 25 years in prison for selling placebo pills to guys with small penises. This week, the Food and Drug Administration issued an “Import Alert” recommending that penis enlargement hardware should not be allowed to be imported into the United States.

See Import Alert #78-01 is titled “”DETENTION WITHOUT PHYSICAL EXAMINATION OF PENIS ENLARGERS AND ERECTION MAINTAINING RINGS”. In this Import Alert, the FDA gives us a comprehensive list of what it considers to be a “penis enlarger and erection maintaining ring.”

1. Mechanical stretching devices.

Those employing weights, or lines tied to other parts of the body (such as the knee), to affect tension on the penis.

2. Vacuum operated devices.

Those employing a sealing principle in the area of the base of the penis and an evacuation mechanism to drop the atmospheric pressure around the penis thereby effecting increased blood flow.

3. Constrictive Rings.

Those devices which constrict the base of the penis after erection has been achieved and cause the erection to be maintained by blocking the normal circulation of blood from the penis.

4. Supportive devices.

Those devices which function as a splint or cradle in order to maintain a resemblance of turgidity

Now that we know precisely what we are talking about, what is the national emergency?

The use of penis enlargers and erection maintaining rings may have harmful effects. They may aggravate existing medical conditions such a Pegronies[sic] disease, priapism, and urethral stricture. They may contuse or cause rupture of the subcutaneous blood vessels, which may produce hemorrhage and hematoma formation. Additionally, frequent use of erection maintaining rings may result in ecchymosis of the proximal portion of the penis and scrotum, and the lymphatic stasis of the penis. Prolonged use of the rings may cause gangrene of the penis. (source – links added)

Good lord! I don’t know what half of those words mean (so I inserted links), but this warning makes it sound safer to put your penis in your toaster than in one of these devices. Someone had better call Judge Thompson! (For liability reasons I must state that I do not recommend nor condone that you put your genitals in a toaster).

Right after raising the alarm, the Import Alert gives this strange summary of the problem:

Basically, the labeling of these devices falsely states or implies they will treat impotence, prolong erection, and increase the dimensions of the penis. (source)

The FDA move could cripple the Swedish economy — The FDA move could be crippling to Swedish exports

Now hold on… will they turn my penis into something that looks like it came from a science fiction movie (and not in a good way)? Or did the FDA just now figure out that penis pumps don’t really make your dick bigger?

News of this announcement sent the Swedish Krona to a six month low against the US Dollar. The Swedish government has not yet announced how it plans to retaliate.