by Marc J. Randazza
American citizenship is one of the most coveted statuses that mankind has ever invented. A majority of the 7 billion people on this planet would gladly swap their passport for a nice blue one with a gold eagle on its cover. And how do you get it? For the most part, you get it by being born in the right place or to the right parents. Yeah, there’s naturalization … but only about 20 million citizens, out of 350 million are naturalized. In other words, those who become “Americans by choice” are almost statistically insignificant. Even then, I think that the path to citizenship is nothing more than a bureaucratic game — and doesn’t really confer citizenship upon the “deserving.”
Therefore, I agree with President Trump — we should get rid of birthright citizenship. But, I believe we should get rid of it for EVERYONE. Open the gates of citizenship to everyone as well — even illegal immigrants — on the same terms as are offered to someone whose entire family tree grew from the planks of The Mayflower.
The problem in this country is not that Mexicans are streaming across the border to have anchor babies. The problem is that we have too many useless fucks here — whether they were born here or not.
We had a huge flood of immigration in the early 20th century, and but for that immigration, America wouldn’t be half the country it is today. Immigration is not the problem. The problem is that so many of our home-grown citizens are stagnant, lazy, and stupid (and yes, so are many of our new arrivals). So how do we separate the wheat from the chaff?
We should have a “point system” for how much citizenship you get, with completely open borders. This country is built on freedom and competition, right? Let’s inject competition into the citizenship market!
We would each earn between 0-100 citizenship points. 50 points, you’re a citizen. At 75 points, you get Bronze Citizenship, 85 points you get Silver Citizenship, and at 95 points you get Gold Citizenship. Anyone who hits 100 points even, gets Super Eagle Citizenship.
If you have one of the higher-status citizenship categories, you get certain privileges — maybe no TSA lines for you. You can carry a gun anywhere you want. You can cut in line at the DMV or other government agencies. All men will still be created equal, but some can earn status that makes them quantifiably superior — at least in terms of the rights they get.
You get 5 points for being born to an American parent, so there is a little bit of legacy preference, but not a lot.
You get a certain number of points for having a full time job, graduating from high school, for paying your taxes, etc. Essentially, a few points for doing the stuff that we expect all productive members of society to do. Certain crimes and assorted other fuckups can cost you points.
If you do absolutely everything that you’re supposed to do, but nothing special, you probably wind up somewhere in the neighborhood of 65 points. No special privileges, but a good padding above full citizenship so that one or two screw ups won’t cost you your citizenship.
You get a certain number of extra points for graduating from college, a masters program, or a PhD program. We could give more points for more useful degrees, so yeah, get that MA in Victim Studies, but don’t think that it is going to make you more valuable to us than a nursing degree or an engineering degree, because it ain’t. A law degree, sadly speaking, might not be worth a whole lot. But, remember, we need people in trades too – so I wouldn’t want this to be an “only highly educated” people get points. Someone can clean toilets for a living and still make it to the top.
You get bonus points for truly kicking in to improve America. You author a book. You start a business that employs a certain number of people. You invent something useful. You cut a bad ass album. You fill in potholes. The details can be tweaked as much as we like – but the concept is the same. You get points for being worthwhile and making America greater. If you contribute to America sucking, then you lose points.
It wouldn’t be wholly economically based — as there are non-financial contributions that indicate a desirable citizen. You save a puppy from a burning building. You use that law degree to handle a meaningful pro bono case. Joining the military gets you some extra points. Medals get you points too. Congressional Medal of Honor gets you 10 points that you can’t ever lose. But, unlike Starship Troopers, service alone does not guarantee citizenship (but it helps).
You lose points by being convicted of crimes, but also by douchetastic behavior that we don’t necessarily criminalize. You hog the left hand lane on the highway, you lose a point every time you do that. Lie about who your kid’s dad is, you don’t go to jail, but you’re not going toward higher status with that behavior, missy. Dude, you sexually assault someone, and we can’t necessarily prove it sufficiently to put you in jail, we might still be able to dock you some points. If you have an “emotional support animal,” you lose 5 points. (Edit – ok, a “bullshit ESA” – which I would guess is 95% of them) If you put a dog in a stroller, you lose 5 points. Because fuck you, you’re fucking useless. Holy shit, if you incorrectly use the phrase “fire in a crowded theater,” you’re losing quite a few points, my friend. SO FUCKING READ HOLMES OR TO THE UNDERCLASS YOU GO, YOU INTELLECTUAL PEASANT!
Of course, you can be “useful” in some ways that won’t necessarily help you points-wise. This system will be as disengaged from the economic system as it can be. Maybe if you make your living by flipping houses or by raiding companies and selling their assets off and laying off the whole workforce, we can dock you a few points. You can still be rich with lower status, but having more money in the bank won’t buy you citizenship points. More money to you, but you’re not getting any closer to being an Eagle.
You can’t serve as a judge, in public office, as a cop, or a lawyer unless you have at least Silver (75 points). In fact, maybe elected offices, and even appointed positions, require a certain status. I like the idea of using this to punish non-violent crimes as well. Why lock people up, if they have committed some crime, but are really not a danger to society? Prison populations would crash, and that’s a great thing.
If you have less than 50 points, the Constitution doesn’t fully apply to you. Maybe some provisions apply at 10 points or so, but you’re not a full citizen, you don’t get full protection. Certain geographic areas would be closed to people below a certain number of points. You sure as hell don’t get to vote if you’re under 50 points.
If you are over 25 years old and you have less than 10 points, you get nothing. No First Amendment, no Fourth Amendment, no nothing. Essentially, you’re on probation. You have to move out of the way for citizens when you are in line at the store. You don’t get to drive. If your points get to zero, we give you a choice of moving to another country (never to return) or prison — but in Prison, you can earn points and get yourself out. But, if you’re a grown man or woman and you can’t get at least 10 points, you aren’t worth much, so you shouldn’t get much.
With this plan, we open the borders and welcome everyone. Certain immigrants get to start with a few points. Perhaps you did some act of service to the United States, like saving American soldiers from kidnappers. You win a Nobel Prize, you get 25 points just to move here. But, your average immigrant gets only a point or two for checking in at the border and letting us know he’s here. A truly worthy immigrant – the kind we want, can earn 50 points in 5 years or less, and within a few decades can even be eligible to run for president. A crappy one will find life here to be very unpleasant, as will a home-grown loser, who might find it more desirable to just leave – thus making room for more worthy immigrants.
So, Donald, you wanna do this? Lets really do it!
