"Satan was the first to demand equal rights" – He's always been the good guy.

In Knoxville, Tennessee, a Christian church put up what proved to be a controversial sign. The sign read, “Remember, Satan was the first to demand equal rights.”

And a shitstorm ensued, of course. Some people found this to be a swipe at gays seeking equal rights. (source)

I think, however, they’re looking at it the wrong way.

Lets look at Christian mythology. Who is this “God” character, and who is this “Satan” guy? Lets look at it with a little bit of a critical eye. The first thing we need to remember is that the victors write the history books. So, you’ve got to look at the Bible as a piece of propaganda for the winning side. Of course the book that God wrote is going to make him the protagonist. But, even his own complete control over the message isn’t enough to cover up his defects. Sort of like North Korean propaganda. It might control the message, but it still doesn’t make Kim Jong Un look good.

First off, God apparently created everything. He created Tyrannosaurus Rex, which had arms too short to masturbate. Then, he created us, with arms long enough to play with our genitals, and hands that are pretty damn well suited to it. He gave us the capacity to feel pleasure, and he gave us the desire to chase it. He gave us a thirst for knowledge. He gave us a lot of great stuff.

But, he demanded that we not use any of it. Oh, and he demanded that we love him.

Doesn’t that sound a little bit twisted to you?

This God character sounds more like the psychological profile you’d get if you went to a high school, found the meanest 16 year old cheerleader, and told her that she had absolute power. Imagine if Saddam Hussein could shoot lightning out of his eyes.

But, its even sicker than that.

God creates a “tree of knowledge.” He makes us totally ignorant. He then plants the tree of knowledge where? Is it a thousand miles from the Garden of Eden? Nope. Does it have a fence around it? Nope. It is right smack in the middle of the paradise he made for us. He then says, “you can eat all this shit, pears, durians, blackberries, anything! But I will fuck your shit up if you eat this fruit that cures your ignorance.”

He watches us all the time, like the NSA. Oh yeah, he’s watching. Like the Elf on the Shelf and Dick Cheney.

Oh, and he DEMANDS that we love him. If you don’t love me, I’ll burn your ass forever and ever. That sounds more like a stalker than an omniscient being worthy of being praised or worshipped. At best, he’s just got a sick sense of humor. But, “love me or I burn you” is just totally cray cray.

On the other hand, we have this Satan guy.

Satan likes us. Satan doesn’t mind if we enjoy ourselves. Satan doesn’t care if we love him or not. He’s there if we want him. Oh, and he suggests that maybe, just maybe, we ought to come out of the shadows of ignorance and eat from the tree of knowledge. From what I can tell from the mythology, Satan doesn’t watch us unless we request it. Opt-in surveillance, free will, enjoy yourself, and don’t be ignorant.

Does that sound like the bad guy to you?

Satan sounds more like Prometheus than the Cylon lord. It sounds like he gave us the gift of rational thought. It is because of him that we can question and reason. Meanwhile, God wanted to keep that from us. What a dick.

The whole Jesus thing doesn’t help his case any. God “sends his only son” to Earth. But, if you read the text, what really happened is he came to Earth and knocked up a married woman. So he cuckolds poor Joseph, then Joseph is stuck raising this other guy’s son. Then, God figures he can kill Jesus FOR US? That doesn’t even make any frigging sense.

If you read between the lines, God came to Earth like so many gods before him, and wanted to get him some mortal trim. He screws Mary, knocks her up, and it takes him 33 years to figure out how the hell to clean up this mess.

Meanwhile, does Satan have any such acts on his record?

Nope.

In fact, Satan showed up in the garden of Eden, and had all this power of suggestion. There’s the hottest chick in the world standing there. Well, the ONLY chick, I guess, but whatever. Eve is there, naked and completely ignorant. Does Satan take advantage and fuck her? No. Hell, the word “rape” doesn’t even exist yet, so he could have conned her, forced her, whatever. Instead, he gives her a gift that allows her to engage in freedom of thought.

In more modern times, when Satan comes to earth, he shows up at the crossroads in Mississippi and makes someone into a great musician. Or he plays in a heavy metal band. Or he whispers in our ear, “go ahead and jerk off watching that donkey show – if you want to.”

God commits genocide at Sodom and Gomorrah. He floods the whole world, because he isn’t quite happy with how his creations are kissing his ass, or not doing so. He is the one who casts souls into the eternal pit of hell. Satan seems to just hang out there making the best of it. And how did Satan get there? Oh, just by rebelling against a despot. Sounds like Nelson Mandela and Thomas Jefferson were “satanists” too – at least in spirit.

And now, we have a pastor saying that Satan was the first to demand equal rights. Well, it sure sounds consistent with the mythology to me. In fact, given the history between these two beings, it makes perfect sense that Satan would be the forward-looking proponent of equality.

Not that I advocate worshipping anyone or anything, but if you’re going to buy in to christian mythology, you might want to reconsider which of the characters is actually the good guy.

At least one pastor in Tennessee seems to agree with me.