Vagina Mints

“Linger” is a new product… the company describes them as “internal feminine flavoring.” See, get it? The little schematic va jay jay? I have to hand it to them. That is both clever and visually pleasing. Of course, given that it represents a vagina, I wonder how it will fare if they ever try and get it registered as a trademark. See posts on “Immoral and Scandalous” trademarks.

Now lets look at the product itself. Here is how the company’s website describes its utility.

Linger Internal Feminine Flavoring, was created to flavor the woman in such a manner that is safe and effective, decreases self consciousness, and increases excitement. It improves the length and quality of oral sex between a woman and her intimate partner. (source)

Wow.

Not “wow” as in “awesome.” “Wow” as in WTF?

I mean, unless there is something actually wrong going on down there, vaginas are naturally, well, umm vagina flavored. If you need mint flavoring to “linger,” well then maybe your girlfriend needs a new boyfriend (or a new girlfriend as it were).

But, I suppose that the occasional novelty of something different can’t be discarded out of hand.

The story of how the coochie mints came to be actually makes them sound exotic… erotic… exciting! The owner claims to have met some aristocratic Indian guy who introduced her to this Subcontinental erotic secret. Source.  It’s a good story. She might have gotten away with it too, if it wasn’t for you meddling kids that meddling Jen Phillips over at Mother Jones. She writes:

My tin of Linger looked a lot like one of those tins of mints that are given away at trade shows. And guess what? That’s what it is. A little digging revealed that Linger is made/distributed by a company called Admints, which just happens to make trade show mints. And the Linger samples just happen to have have the exact same shape, taste, and ingredients as Admint’s sample mints. (source)

Phillips also informs her readers that the primary ingredient in these mints is sugar, “which is not safe for the vagina. It messes up the pH and can lead to a really painful yeast infection, a condition that definitely doesn’t make someone want to “linger.‘”

So for eight bucks, you can get a 99 cent box of mints and a yeast infection. Right this way, ladies!

I have a better idea! We’ll call it “The Legal Satyricon Technique.” Just stuff your vagina with bacon! It is a proven scientific fact that both men and lesbians LOVE bacon. AND, it won’t change the pH in there. Put a half a pound of bacon (cooked please) in your vagina. He can’t have entry into your vagine until he makes all gone with the bacon! Of course, since he loves bacon, it won’t be a chore now, will it?

Or you could just buy some Uncle Oinker’s bacon mints and stuff those in your box.