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A Christmas miracle of interfaith unity, and how it proves that the Pope and the Prophet Abraham both suck

On Friday, Pope Benedict said “In some countries, the Catholic Church has already joined forces with Jews, Muslims and members of other religions….”

Yes, the three great Abrhamic religions finally got back together for a common purpose!

To what? To end hunger? To end prejudice? To end war, pestilence, or honey boo boo videos?

No, to end gay marriage. (source)

So sayeth the first Pope who also happened to be a member of the Nazi party, although he was just a kid then.

On this Christmas, I hope that the spirit of the holiday really does get into you.

I have it.

I’m sitting here, trying to like my enemies a little more, trying to feel affection for those I might otherwise be indifferent about, drinking booze and dodging DUI checkpoints. Getting in touch with my inner child by enjoying the joy of my actual children.

This rocks.

So if I can offer you one Christmas message it would be this: Have fun, and be nice.

But, if you’re one of these “WAR ON CHRISTMAS” assholes, and you find yourself giving any credence to any belief system that traces its way back to the “prophet” Abraham, please free your mind. Think about where these silly cults came from. It might help you understand why the first time all three of them finally set aside their differences and got together, it was so that there would be less joy under track lighting and tasteful throw pillows in formerly run-down neighborhoods.

Y’see, this guy, Abram had an imaginary friend, who has lots of names — sorta like Puff Daddy. Abram called him God, or Yaweh, or Jehova, or Bernie. Lets go with “God.”

Abram is walking around in the desert, most likely tripping balls on mushrooms or something, and he starts making deals with God. Instead of signing a contract, they seal a deal with Abram cutting off a piece of his dick. Because nothing says “I assent to this contract” like cutting off a piece of your dick. If you didn’t know that, you’re an idiot — because that is basic desert nomad contract law.

So after they sign this deal, Abram then becomes AbraCADABRA!

No, just kidding, he becomes AbraHAM, because nothing says “I cut off a piece of my dick because I love my imaginary friend” like adding “Ham” to your name.

This is the reason that Jews and Muslims don’t eat ham, and it is why Americans traditionally eat ham on Christmas. It is also why we call hamsters “hamsters.” Before this, they were called Honey Boo Boo rats.

Ok, so after that, Abraham bangs his wife’s slave, Hagar (after whom Sammy Hagar was named, and who looked exactly like him). Abraham’s wife was cool with this. I don’t think they were swingers, but it had something to do with the fact that his wife couldn’t conceive. There is no evidence that Abram or Abraham tried to get his wife to do a three way with the slave. Amateur.

He should have asked the angel if he did anal instead.
He should have asked the angel if he did anal instead.

By the way, Abraham and his wife considered adoption before this, but Abraham was all weird about that for some stupid reason. So, he bangs the slave, and knocks her right up because she was Mexican, and you know how those people are. Then she gives birth to a son, Ishmael, but Abraham was kind of an asshole, so he took the position that this particular son just wasn’t the same as if he got one from his wife. I think he had second thoughts about introducing him around as his son, when he was all swarthy and Mexican-y looking. So, even though she was infertile, Abraham just kept on banging his wife, and her slave, until one day, POP goes the wife’s uterus, and Abraham’s wife got knocked up with a good ol’ full-blooded Jewish kid. She has a baby, and they named him Isaac.

Later, his wife got all weird about Hagar screwing Abraham. This was really uncool because she SAID it was ok. Women!

So, she made Abraham throw them out. He did it because he was a pussy. I mean seriously, he cuts off a piece of his dick for an imaginary friend. Can you imagine what a shrieking harpy of a wife could make him do?

Then, Abraham’s imaginary friend, you know the one he cut off a piece of his dick for, says “Abraham, kill Isaac for me, mkay?

And, as if cutting off a piece of his dick for his imaginary friend wasn’t batshit crazy enough, he then says “ok imaginary friend! I’ll kill Isaac!”

But then his imaginary friend says “SIKE! kill a goat instead.”

They had a pretty good laugh about that.

But, it showed God that Abraham was totally his bitch. Can you imagine if you had a friend, and you told him “hey, dare you to cut off a piece of your dick!” and then he DID it? Ok, that would sorta be like something you would see on Jackass, so it might be hilarious.

But, if your friend said “dare you to cut off a piece of your dick,” and you really wanted to mind-fuck him, you’d look at him and say “I AM DOING THIS BECAUSE I LOVE YOU!!!!!” Yeah, that would be pretty “single white female.” But, imagine if you did it, and said that, but you didn’t do it to mind-fuck your bro, you just did it because you really were sorta gay for him, and you were so weird that you believed that he’d be like “yeah, you Van Gogh that pecker for me, bitch!

Now tick it up a notch, and imagine its all about killing your son…

I wouldn’t even punch my son for my best friend in the whole world, let alone kill him for her.

The inescapable conclusion is that Abram / Abraham was a real piece-o-work. And it ran in the family. His nephew offered to let a crowd gang rape his daughters, because the crowd wanted to ass-fuck some angels. Who the hell wouldn’t want to? Seriously, if an immortal winged being came into my town, first thing I’d ask is “Really? Do you think they do anal?

And for some asinine reason, Christians, Jews, and Muslims look to this guy as their common spiritual ancestor.

And now, a few thousand years later, they all come together, at the apparent direction of a former member of the Hitler Youth, who now runs the biggest man-boy love society the world has ever known. They come together for the purpose of telling people that they should not join together in love for one another.

Because THAT would be fucked up.

abraham tells god to fuck off

Addendum: The point of this all is (since some commenters seem to have missed it), if you want to celebrate Christmas, or be an Abrhamic follower, go ahead. But, pretty much all you have to learn from any religion can be gleaned from Bill & Ted’s Excellent Adventure: Be excellent to each other. No organized Abrhamic cult has ever gotten us closer to that ideal. Throw away the text. Turn your back on the organization. Be excellent to each other.

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