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Criminalizing chicken nuggets would reduce crime


By J. DeVoy

Most readers are familiar with this Florida woman, who called 911 three times to protest her local McDonald’s running out of chicken nuggets.  (Can I say McNuggets and claim fair use?  I think nuggets is the proper term, since other fast food eateries call their deep-friend chicken blobs things like tenders, strips, and, blandly, nuggets.)

Ohio, the wonderful state where 10% of the population was on food stamps even before the current recession, is not to be outdone by perennial loser-state Florida.  From the Toledo Blade:

A Toledo woman, who allegedly put her fist through a fast-food drive-through window after being told her order couldn’t be filled, appeared in court Saturday on a felony vandalism charge […] Melodi Dushane, 24, of 1332 Felt St. became “upset that chicken nuggets weren’t available” and “punched out the drive-through window,” according to Toledo police.

[Ed.’s note: what a badass name for a publication, the Blade.]  It’s hard to find fault, ideologically at least, with what this woman did.  In this era of shrinking local budgets and declining services, one cannot afford to sit around waiting for law enforcement to commandeer McDonald’s and make more nuggets.  Unlike those fat cats in Florida who can call their local police officers three times to correct such a grave injustice, Ms. Dushane realized she had to emulate Michael Douglas in Falling Down and get those nuggets the only way she knew how – brute force.

This obsession with chicken nuggets is baffling.  In this writer’s experience, they’re too gross and rubbery to be worth much effort to obtain, let alone a criminal record.  But, different strokes for different folks.

Striking fear into the hearts of McDonald’s employees everywhere, the alleged assailant was released on a supervised recognizance bond.  Though ordered to stay away from the restaurant at issue, she won’t have to travel far to find another.

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