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Oh…. Candada? Stop trying to be like us!

Dear Canada,

You’re already pretty awesome. The weather sucks, but if you ever get around to that Turks and Caicos thing, you can have your own Hawaii.

I don’t like to join in when Americans make fun of you. They do that because they don’t know you. (I do admit that I hum “Blame Canada” once and a while, but if you get the joke, that’s not really making fun of you).

I’d say I know you pretty well. Remember when we met in 1988? Yeah, the time I went into Foufounes Electrique somewhat bewildered, and left really drunk, then the acid kicked in, and next thing I knew I was about to get the shit beaten out of me by Quebecois nationalists, who could not understand why the fuck I was in their bar? Then some Quebecois punks came in and explained the situation, and they hung out with me for the next three days, and I’m still friends with them to this day? That was cool, Canada. Since then, we’ve gotten to know one another even better. Those times in Vancouver? The friends you’ve sent me? I even decided to take the pain in the ass NCA exams, to get licensed to practice in Canada. Just because we’re such good friends.

Such good friends that I usually correct people when they say “oh, they’re just like us. No, Canadians are not just like us. In fact, I consider it an insult to you when anyone calls you “The 51st State.” That’s stupid, and douchey, and ignores some pretty cool and significant history.

But, you know how I get all pissed off when people say that my buddy, Canada, wishes they were America? Yeah, you never even need to raise your voice about that, because I stick up for you.

Well, you just made it a little harder to stick up for you.

I’m really terribly sorry about Corporal Nathan Cirillo. I can see how you might actually say that he was your favorite citizen. I mean, you can’t pick favorites, but if you picked him, who could fault you?

And now, as bummed as you are about it, it seems like you’re at least considering being more like us. (source, source) Some people might say “what’s wrong with that?” We’re pretty cool, aren’t we?

No. No we are not.

You see, for all the mythology, America is not who you want to be like when you have a bad day.

Because we are a bunch of mewling fucking cowards.

When something like this happens, we rush to get to work. We throw up more roadblocks and checkpoints. We make it harder to get anywhere near our government buildings. We strap on the body armor, and as we take our last shit for a while, we wipe our ass with our Constitution.

We react to even imaginary enemies and threats with hang-wringing, the elimination of civil liberties, and we let abject flunkies do it to us. While the mythology says that we are the cocky bastards who scream “give me liberty or give me death!,” that just isn’t us anymore.

We aren’t Patrick Henry’s kids anymore. We are now the bastard children of John Cornyn and Sarah Palin. John said, famously, “you don’t have any civil liberties if you’re dead,” and Sarah Palin said “ooh, shiny!”

You know who you want to be like? Be like Norway.

Norway had a really bad mass shooting. You know what they said? “Fuck you, we’re not changing anything.” That’s how you do it, if you want to be cool.

Remember, that idiot we let run things here for a while? The one who said “they hate us for our freedom.” We got rid of the freedom, and they still don’t like us, but you don’t see us restoring the freedom any. Nope.

So look, Canada. I really do give a shit about you. And, I know that it is really tempting to just follow us. We cut a wide swath, and drafting off the big guy always makes riding a little easier. But, this time, take a look at where we’re headed.

This isn’t the way you want to go.

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