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The last time I did anything resembling Communion it was in 2001 or so. A friend was getting married. I agreed to be a groomsman. We had to go through the motions of Communion.

I knelt there at the altar, and the best man came by with the cup of wine. He says “Blood of Christ, Blood of Salvation” and then pours some of the wine into my mouth from a big silver goblet.

Then he leans down and whispers “BURNS, DOESN’T IT?”

I then laughed Communion wine out my nose. It did burn.

Hiram Jimenez’ story isn’t as funny. See Jimenez v. Applebees. He went to Applebees for dinner, which is your first clue about him. He ordered the steak fajita, and the waitress dutifully served it. He then, apparently, believed that God gives shit about what happens in Applebees, or whether you are grateful for a shitty steak fajita, so Jimenez bowed his head in prayer.

Then the almighty taught him a lesson about eating in prole-shit-chain restaurants. God burned his goddamned face! (Op. at 2) Then, in a scene that sounds like it came from a Jerky Boys crank call:

[Jimenez] panicked, knocked his plate onto his lap and caused his prescription eyeglasses to fall from his face. Plaintiff said he tried to push away from the table with his right arm. He used his left arm to brush the food from his lap. He soon felt that he had “pulled” something in his right arm. He stopped applying pressure to the table, “let [his] [right] hand go because [he] felt pain,” and “banged” his elbow on the table. (Op. at 2-3)

No, his shoes did not fall off.

The court ruled that since the sizzling fajita was an “open and obvious” danger, that Jimenez could have protected himself from it. (Op. at 8). You know, maybe by not putting his frigging face in it?. The actual finding of fact, which Jimenez disputed, is that he “bowed his head to pray and placed his face in close proximity to the sizzling food.” (Op. at 10) But, the appellate court found that this was supported by the evidence. (Op. at 11)

Yes, this is one of those cases that make us lawyers all look bad. I’m glad that there was some degree of sanity at the trial court.

Of course, perhaps the real lesson here is that you shouldn’t try and open a communication with a supernatural plane when there is hot food around.

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