Close this search box.

Time for a Revolt against the TSA



First the government says that we need more people who speak Arabic. Then, the TSA handcuffs and detains a student for carrying Arabic flashcards into an airport.Kids’ pillows are a threat to national security, as is Play Doh.TSA agents force a disabled four year old boy’s parents to remove his leg braces before he can pass through security. Then, to add insult to that injury, demand that the poor kid hobble through the metal detector unassisted. When the dad got upset, the reaction of the local flunky was that he needed to “calm down and enjoy his vacation.

None of this idiocy makes us safer.

The TSA operates on the premise that terrorists are as stupid and inflexible as the dipshits who work for the TSA. They presume that since one guy tried to make a bomb out of his shoes, that this is such a threat that millions of people a day need to have their shoes screened. You can’t bring a full sized tube of toothpaste or a bottle of water through security, because…I don’t even fucking know. Water might be a bomb? Meanwhile, you could strap 80 ounces of “deadly” water to your belly with this bad boy, but I’m sure that there are no terrorists who know how to use the internet. You can’t bring a rock on a plane, because it is a “dual use item,” a potential low-tech weapon. Meanwhile, though, you can carry a solid-metal Macbook Pro on a plane, and even the wimpiest hipster can turn the average NFL linebacker’s skull into brain pudding with a swift swing of that stylish goodness.

We. Are. Not. Safer. When. Fucking. Idiots. Are. In. Charge.

TSA has given us idiotic rules that make absolutely no sense — all in a quest to give us “security theater,” or to just make us get used to following moronic rules laid down by bigger morons, who then delegate enforcement to complete flunkies.

The greatest threat to America is not terrorism. Flunkiedom, not terrorism, is the greatest threat to America. We have seen this in FEMA and the DOJ, we have seen it in Wall Street, and we now see it in TSA, the agency responsible for our in-air safety.

We have become a nation that operates like this:

Step 1: Imagine the absolute worst thing that could ever happen. This thing is the 1 in 1,000,000 event. Imagine the event while watching Dateline NBC or Fox News.

Step 2: Make a rule to keep the 1 in 1,000,000 event from EVER happening – regardless of how that rule affects the other 999,999 events.

Step 3: Hire an abject freakin moron to implement the rule. That person must either be so stupid that they could never exercise an independent thought, or they must be completely disempowered to do so.

And that, my friends, is how the new America works!

What should we do about it?

Honestly… hasn’t the time come for us to revolt? I mean, somehow? Professor Bainbridge says that we should, but offers no practical suggestions as to how we can really “revolt.”

While we plan our revolt, lets get one thing out of the way. You are a complete and total pussy. Yes you are. Don’t be offended; I am too.

By rights, we should arm ourselves, storm the TSA’s offices, and start cutting throats. We won’t; we’re pussies. When we see TSA agents going full-moron, we should all rush the gate, grab the asshole, and stuff him (or her) in the X-Ray machine and shove the hand-wand metal detector in his (or her) ass. If TSA agents were concerned about that happening to them if they over-reacted, you can bet they’d be a bit more careful with our supposedly precious civil liberties.

Getting a little more realistic, we could at least commit acts of civil disobedience at airports.

We won’t. We’re pussies.

Seriously, even if you live a relatively modest life, you’ve just got too much to lose by standing up for your freedom in any direct manner. You wouldn’t risk your LCD television for “freedom,” let alone your personal liberty for the freedom of others. Not even the most bad-assed Marine would risk losing his 1992 Firebird to protect your freedom, and I’m not putting my shit on the line either.

So what are we supposed to do? VOTE! That’s the ticket!

Are you going to vote against your congressman’s re-election over it? That’s a laugh. Incumbents have won reelection at rate over 90% for almost two decades. Are we really going to marshall armies of voters to toss out incumbents who don’t crack down on the TSA? Good luck, Skippy. Lets say we could even get 1,000 voters together to agree on that issue, all the incumbent would have to do is toss a god, guns, or gays issue in the middle of us and we’d be at each others throats like starving rabid coyotes.

So what can we do?

Here is a suggestion: Everyone who knows a TSA employee — no matter what their level of authority, no matter how close they are to you, treat them like shit.

Absolute shit. Be mean. Be demeaning. Be insulting.

Watch the movie The Elephant Man, and make TSA employees wish they could switch places with John Merrick.

If someone walks into your business wearing a TSA uniform, refuse to serve them. (Loudly proclaiming “we don’t serve your kind in here!”) If you see them on the bus, stand in their way so that they miss their stop. If you live near them, call the police on them for any minor transgression (rules are rules, after all). If you’re on their condo board, enforce every single rule against them, no matter how petty or stupid it may be (ditto). If you’re related to one, make fun of them at family gatherings. If you know a TSA employee, don’t let them in your house until you make them take off their shoes and undergo some humiliating bullshit at your door. Better yet, just tell them that they can’t come in your house. Tell your kids to stay away from the TSA employee’s kids or they’ll catch a loathsome disease. If you know one on Facebook, post mean shit on their Facebook page.

If we all collectively treat them badly, eventually maybe they will all start wondering whether they are really doing the right thing. Maybe they’ll bitch at work. (It might backfire for a little while, so be forewarned). No matter how high or how low the TSA flunkie is, make them wish that they would be struck down with leprosy so that at least then they could be objects of pity. Make them quit their jobs.

Look, the Third Reich couldn’t have committed its crimes without the petty little shits who carried the nightsticks. And America can’t turn into a complete Flunkie-Idiocracy without the flunkie idiots. We can’t resist directly, because we’re materialistic pussies. However, we can be petty and cruel. Just be petty and cruel as fuck to a TSA employee, any TSA employee — every day, everywhere, and all the time.

Treat a TSA employee like shit today, tomorrow, and the next day. Treat them so harshly that they weep in the goddamned corner and choose between their job and complete social social ostracism. If they quit their jobs, embrace them, love them, and make it up to them — but until we beat the living crap out of them emotionally, these foot soldiers of idiocracy will continue to do their jobs with aplomb.

Do your patriotic duty! — Be mean to a TSA employee now.

And yes, I’m sure that my name will be on a list for this. Fuck it, I can be a little bit less of a pussy. I get “randomly” selected all the time anyway.

Skip to content