News & Media
Top Ten Reasons Gay Marriage is Wrong
By Janelle Randazza, Special to the Legal Satyricon (Update, Janelle informs me that she did not author this, but merely adapted it from a previously-written list. Still, funny) 01) Being gay is not natural. Real Americans always reject unnatural things like eyeglasses, polyester, and air conditioning. 02) Gay marriage will encourage people to be gay, in the same way that hanging around tall people will make you tall (’cause it’s working for me, I tell ya) or hanging around Italians will turn you into a WOP. 03) Legalizing gay marriage will open the door to all kinds of crazy behavior. People may even wish to marry their pets because a dog has legal standing and can sign a marriage contract.
Florida Appeals Court Declares: Camouflage Still In This Fall
By Sam Lea, Military Speech Correspondent Florida Statute Section 250.43 prohibits citizens from wearing military uniforms or insignia unless they are actually in the military. (When I first read this, my mind went straight to characters like Lieutenant Dan and Gary Busey in Tommy Boy). In a recent challenge to the Florida statute, a man was arrested at the Orlando International Airport under Section 250.43 after he stood in the “expedited security lane” that is set aside for military and security personnel. TSA officers approached him suspecting that he was not in the military due to the length of his hair. When he could not produce a military ID, Montas admitted that he was not in the Army. He was
Petition to Invalidate Proposition 8
A coalition of gay rights groups have filed a petition to overturn California’s Proposition 8. The gist of the argument is that Proposition 8 revises the California Constitution rather than amends it. Petition here. Update: The City of San Francisco has filed its own petition.
President Elect, Barack Hussein Obama, You Have My Support… For the Moment
by Jason Fischer I stayed up late to hear our newly elected president, Barack Obama, address the crowd that had gathered in Chicago’s Grant Park. I had mixed feelings about the landslide victory that I had watched unfold on Fox News for the several hours preceding his speech. On the one hand, I was frustrated to see my government slide further down the path towards a welfare state, all too willing to prop up those who are unwilling to do their share. On the other, I was oddly pleased to see an election that was not contentiously close, breeding polarization and animosity toward the successful candidate (i.e., year 2000 all over again). Even though I was part of the 46%
Thank you, America!
by Christopher Harbin My family has never been very political. As the typical dysfunctional white suburban family, we’ve been trained from birth to internalize divisive feelings so that the status quo can always be maintained. To this day, I don’t know my parents’ political views. Politics were simply never talked about. This all changed when a member of my extended family with whom I am very close revealed that they would be voting for John McCain. I should have known better, but I decided to press them on the motivations behind their choice. It was simple – John McCain is white. It’s really not that simple, however. It wasn’t just that McCain is white, but rather that Obama is black.
Proud
I’m going to take a day or two off from blogging. I want to sit back, take care of my wife, get ready for my baby’s arrival on Friday, and just be proud.
Flori-duh: We vote for change but fail to do so
On behalf of myself and my fellow Satyriconistas: congratulations to PRESIDENT-ELECT BARACK HUSSEIN OBAMA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Obama’s capacity to unite and inspire was proven today when millions of Americans chose hope and idealism over fear and negativism. May he lead our nation with the same intelligence, charisma, fortitude, and integrity he has shown during his campaign. As my best friend – a minority in this country for far too long – texted to me: “Its a new day.” Unfortunately, Flori-duh did not get the message. Yes, my state voted for Obama. But, we also voted to retain a bigoted, useless constitutional provision authorizing institutional racism. Amendment 1, which would have deleted a superfluous constitutional provision allowing the legislature to prohibit “aliens ineligible
YES WE DID!!!!
I am pleased to report that in the precinct I observed, precinct #21 in Seminole County, Fla., the election was CLEAN. There were some issues with the rolls, but the workers in that precinct were ethical, devoted to a clean election, and fair. And now… our long national nightmare is over. President Obama. Fuck yeah. FUCK YEAH!
We Shall See
The Precinct I watched today went 409 for Obama, 77 for McPalin, 1 for Nader, 1 Write-In, and 1 undervote.
Y'all Come Back Next Time – Here I Come
My wife is 9 months pregnant, and she was supposed to have a caesarian delivery yesterday. I am deathly ill with the flu. I haven’t held down a meal in 6 days. We delayed the caesarian until Friday, and I’m about to leave the house to work for at least 16 hours, flu or no flu. Why? I wrote Y’all Come Back Next Time after the 2004 election. I gave my word. I’m coming back.
Grosse Pointe Blankety Blank Blank Blank
If you aren’t familiar with South Park, you won’t get the song below. If you haven’t seen this, you won’t know who Shirley Nagel is. Nagel is a resident of Grosse Pointe who asked little kids who came to her house trick-or-treating whether they were from an Obama family or a McCain family. If mommy or daddy was voting for Obama, no candy for you. [youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_c75OtUlWC0] If you know the song, come on, sing with me!!!!! If you don’t, play the video below, then come back and sing. Shirley Nagel’s a bitch, she’s a right wing bitch, She’s the biggest bitch in the whole wide world, She’s a stupid bitch, if there ever was a bitch, She’s a bitch to
When Fifth Graders Go Bad
Jordan Hood’s fifth grade art teacher told him to draw a scary Halloween mask for his art class. He complied. However, when Jordan’s homeroom teacher, Melissa Pevey, saw the drawing, she found it disturbing. Pevey was concerned enough to contact assistant principal Valerie Johnson and Campus Police. But it wasn’t blood and gore that bothered Pevey. She believed the blood looked a lot like gang-related teardrop tattoos, and she thought the words “I Kill For Blood” could be tied to an infamous Los Angeles street gang known as The Bloods. Then, a kid who had never so much as heard of “The Bloods,” was hauled in for a psychological evaluation. “He didn’t know anything about gang symbols until the teacher
Is Sarah Palin really Shoichi Yokoi?
Shoichi Yokoi was a Japanese soldier who was sent to Guam during World War II. When U.S. forces recaptured the island in 1944, Yokoi went into hiding where he remained until 1972. Even when he was discovered, it took some work to convince him that World War II was over. Alex Koppelman at Salon opines that Sarah Palin may be the Shōichi Yokoi of the culture wars. Only she and her ideologically blinded supporters, like Japanese soldiers found in uniform on a deserted island years after the war is over, seem not to know it. However, in this story, John McCain found her in her hole and didn’t have the heart to tell her that the culture war was over.
Toilet-Cursing Woman gets $19K Settlement
When Dawn Herb’s toilet overflowed, she swore at it. Go figure. A neighbor, who happened to be a police officer, overheard her. Not content to simply yell “shut up,” he charged her with disorderly conduct. The charge was dismissed, and Ms. Herb is now going to receive a $19,000 settlement from the City of Scranton so that it wouldn’t have to face a civil rights suit from her. (Source) In other toilet-law news, the “greatest toilet sign ever” ???
Quote of the Week – Vince Mancini
I think I speak for everyone when I say, “May your children turn gay and marry negroes in France, you cocksucker.” -Vince Mancini Mancini was talking to Larry Miller, owner of the Utah Jazz and the Megaplex Theater chain, who banned Zack and Miri Make a Porno from his theaters because the title has the word “Porno” in it, yet he seems to have no problem with Saw V, which features a man crushing his own hands to avoid being cut in half. Second best quote of the week, from Mancini too. But I’m sure [Miller is] not a bad guy. He is well known for his charitable endeavors, including building a $21 million training center for cops and prison
The (sort of) Week-End Blog Loot!
Pre-Election Week Edition… W00T! Editorial and Comment by Zac “I’m-ill-yo” Papantoniou 1. Seriously, making Gov. Palin look stupid is getting a bit redundant… but she makes it so easy pull off, that even French-Canadian radio DJ’s are taking their turn playing “lets-tease-the-idiot”! Listen in as Gov. “Jane Six-Pack” Palin shows off her foreign policy skillz, while attempting to chit-chat on the phone to (who she believes is) “French President Nicolas Sarkozy” – Bonus: Read the transcript of the conversation here [Props to Scott H. Greenfield, Esq. at Simple Justice; Scott Finch at The Daily Kos; and my roommate Cristian Maselli for pointing the story out to me in the first place] 2. The Legal Satyricon linked to this post from
Dear John: Thank You For Submitting Your Resume For the Position of President. Unfortunately…
By Jessica Christensen, Employment Law Correspondent The fact that Barack Obama has run a good campaign doesn’t mean he will be a good president. So says Bill Kristol of the Weekly Standard. Fair enough. Running a good campaign doesn’t, in and of itself, mean that Obama will necessarily be a good president. I’d argue he has many other qualities that recommend him for the job, but as a matter of logic, Kristol is correct on this point. Case in point: many on both sides say George W. ran a good campaign, and look how that turned out. What Kristol seems to imply, though, is that the reverse is also true: running a bad campaign doesn’t mean McCain will be a
Three Johns on Politics
If by a “Liberal” they mean someone who looks ahead and not behind, someone who welcomes new ideas without rigid reactions, someone who cares about the welfare of the people – their health, their housing, their schools, their jobs, their civil rights, and their civil liberties – someone who believes we can break through the stalemate and suspicions that grip us in our policies abroad; if that is what they mean by a “Liberal,” then I’m proud to say I’m a “Liberal.” – John F. Kennedy 35th President of the United States Conservatives are not necessarily stupid, but most stupid people are conservatives. –John S. Mill Philosopher, political economist, and author of “On Liberty” The middle name Hussein. I guess