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Even I wouldn't take these "First Amendment" cases

It certainly annoys me when I see others’ First Amendment rights being abused. However, it is almost as annoying when I hear people wank about how their First Amendment rights are being trampled upon, and there is just no such thing going on. Take this asshat, for example. According to reports, he was screaming out in the street, hitting parked cars, and the cops came by to ask him to stop. They didn’t beat him down, they didn’t throw him in handcuffs, they didn’t taze him. After all, this was Cambridge, not Miami. Instead of just quieting down: He reportedly said he didn’t care, that it was his right to say what he wanted. When told that if he did

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Paris Hilton continues her IP education… from the defendant’s chair

by Jason Fischer After getting the go-ahead from the Ninth Circuit earlier this year on her “That’s Hot!” trademark infringement case against Hallmark, hotel heiress Paris Hilton has apparently signed up (although unwillingly) for another intellectual property lesson.  This time, she’s going to be studying design patents.  Her professor, a footwear designer called Gwyneth Shoes, claims that its design patent has been infringed by Ms. Hilton’s kicks.  (Source.) If you look closely, you can see the heart. Design patent protection is similar to copyright protection, in that the alleged infringer is in trouble if they’ve produced something that is substantially similar to the protected design.  However, while the government simply gives out copyright registrations, upon request, design patents are only

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The correct answer is "sterlize me"

LawGuru Answers presents this question: After a fight with my boyfriend, he said he was coming to my house to take back all the things he has given me during our relationship. After he knocked for awhile at my door, I heard him yell at my cat because it supposedly scratched him. I finally let him in and he went to my room, and he took the things he has given me and left. I wanted to have a civilized conversation with him and I wanted my things back, or at least the things I have given him over the years. I am an emotional person, and because he blew me off and said he wouldn’t talk to me, in

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"His penis was left bruised and swollen but otherwise unharmed."

ouch. Apparently, the guy stuck his dick in a metal pipe and then became “aroused,” thus making it impossible to remove his penis from the metal orifice. The firefighters used the four-and-a-half-inch grinder to cut the pipe from around the man’s penis and it took about 30 minutes. The patient was given an anaesthetic and his penis was left bruised and swollen but otherwise unharmed. 1) How the hell did he get so turned on by sticking his dick in a metal pipe? I mean, was the pipe that hot? 2) Saying that a penis is “bruised and swollen, but otherwise unharmed” is like saying “aside from the brouhaha in the balcony, the troupe’s rendition of Our American Cousin was

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She obviously doesn't know Dick about intellectual property law

The awesome-as-fuck movie, Blade Runner is based upon the novel “Do Androids Dream of Electric Sheep?”, by Philip K. Dick. In the novel, the “artificial humans” that the protagonist is tasked with “retiring” are the “Nexus-6” models. The Google phone launched this week is the “Nexus One.” And Isa Dick Hackett, Philip K. Dick’s daughter thinks that this is an infringement upon her late father’s intellectual property rights. (source) Obviously, she needs to fire her lawyer, because whoever told her that doesn’t know Dick about intellectual property law. Hackett believes that Google was referencing “Do Androids Dream of Electric Sheep?” when naming the phone. And they probably were. So what? First off, Dick didn’t even coin the word “Nexus.” It

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Lesbian stabbed in eye for being a lesbian

By J. DeVoy I wanna belong, I wanna be proud; But your gay-bashing voices are so fuckin’ loud -Bill Moseley*, “Feelin’ Chicken“ A Buffalo woman was stabbed in the eye by two other women as she exited a popular lesbian bar on New Year’s Eve.  As if this wasn’t horrific enough, two women were arrested in an unrelated incident for attacking a man in the parking lot of a shopping center because they suspected he was gay.  The details: Lindsay C. Harmon said she and two friends were minding their own business as they walked out of Roxy’s, a lesbian nightclub, at about 2 a.m. Friday to head home when two women, in the company of four men, shouted gay

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Streisand 101

by Jason Fischer In an effort (I’m assuming) to be hip and relevant, my alma mater (and Randazza’s previous teaching gig) has begun adding courses to their curriculum that have little to do with the law or lawyering.  One example is a course called “Popular Culture and the Law,” to which the registrar has assigned the following course description: This 2 hour seminar will examine social attitudes toward law, lawyers, and legal institutions through the viewing and examination of Hollywood films.  Film depictions of law students, juries, and judges will also be considered.  Each seminar session will focus in as much depth as possible on a particular film or films and a particular problem or aspect of law, law practice,

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Smart Lawyer Gets No Sympathy from the Court

by Richard J. Mockler A story published by Law.com on Christmas Eve really got my attention. So, when is it fair to revisit the terms of your divorce?  That may depend on who you are. Yes, a final judgment or decree is supposed to be “final.”  But, in family law cases, there are occasions where it is completely appropriate and sometimes even necessary to change the terms of the final judgment or decree. What justifies modifying a final judgment?  You obviously don’t want people going back to court every time they realize they left something out of their agreement or want something new.  At the same time, courts have to respect that circumstances do change.  This is especially true with continuing obligations such

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Criminalizing chicken nuggets would reduce crime

By J. DeVoy Most readers are familiar with this Florida woman, who called 911 three times to protest her local McDonald’s running out of chicken nuggets.  (Can I say McNuggets and claim fair use?  I think nuggets is the proper term, since other fast food eateries call their deep-friend chicken blobs things like tenders, strips, and, blandly, nuggets.) Ohio, the wonderful state where 10% of the population was on food stamps even before the current recession, is not to be outdone by perennial loser-state Florida.  From the Toledo Blade: A Toledo woman, who allegedly put her fist through a fast-food drive-through window after being told her order couldn’t be filled, appeared in court Saturday on a felony vandalism charge […] Melodi Dushane,

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Brit Hume is fortunate that he doesn't know a damn thing about Buddhism

Brit Hume chimed in on Tiger Woods’ recent marital issues by giving us this bit of ignorance that only Fox News could provide: …Whether he can recover as a person depends on “his faith. He’s said to be a Buddhist. I don’t think that faith offers the kind of forgiveness and redeption that is offered by the Christian faith. So my message to Tiger would be, “Tiger, turn to the Christian faith and you can make a total recovery and be a great example to the world.” I love this Hume twat… like Tiger Woods needs to “recover.” Recover from what? Having a cock n’ balls? And what the hell does believing in a fairy tale about a magic space

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Attention J.D. holders and soon-to-be grads: Expatriation information here!

By J. DeVoy One of the things holding recent and soon-to-be law grads back from expatriation — other than the global dearth of jobs — is the constant fear that they’ll be pulled back to the United States and have their lives ruined.  This concern is reasonable, as the U.S. has a very broad global reach.  The IRS can tax your income as a U.S. citizen anywhere in the world.  The U.S. also bombs the shit out of people on the flimsiest of pretexts, so its power is not trifling.  It is not, however, unlimited. This map, pictured above, shows all of the nations the U.S. (purple) has extradition treaties with in blue.  The grey nations have no formal extradition

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Arcade Culture and Law School

by Christopher Harbin I spent the better part of my youth in arcades.  A latch-key kid with oodles of unsupervised time, I was lucky to find the allure of Galaga more appealing than beating a cat to death with a plastic golf club like my neighbor did.  Arcades kept me out of trouble but better yet taught me everything I needed to know about how to navigate law school. Privilege and Pride For those of you too old, too young, or too cool to have spent any serious time in arcades, the first thing you need to know about arcades is that arcade games were tough.  I’m not talking Ice World in Mario 3 hard; I’m talking repeatedly-and-relentlessly-pound-you-in-the-ass hard. Arcades

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8====D.com

It’s crap like this that is going to pay for my first house.  Thanks ICANN! So, when do I get the ability to register my cool penis symbol?  Would 8===D.com be confusingly similar to 8====D.com? Sounds like a law review article in the making.  I gotta get writing.

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To do in 2010

By J. DeVoy 1) Expatriate.  Or at least think about it. Exhibit A: [youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=awL4upLeOQo&hl=en_US&fs=1&] (NSFW, obviously.) /list

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Babies

To offset my usual cynicism and snark, here’s a movie trailer for a flick that actually looks like it might be worth $10 to see — and if you don’t smile after watching the clip, then you’re not human. Here’s to the hope that, no matter who you are, that when 2010 is over, you are happier, smarter, and more compassionate than you are today. [youtube=http://www.youtube.com/v/db3Fifi8JiY]

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Speech suppression and sex

By J. DeVoy Sex is the only reason anybody does anything.  Wars have been fought over women, great men have mutilated themselves over them, and men generally acquire money, power and status to increase their desirability and ability to obtain sex.  Sure, there’s the benefit of money, fame and the respect of the community, but traditionally sex has been part and parcel of high social standing. Generally, men who have high standing, thus high desirability and many reproductive options, are the highest ranking males – alphas.  Some men are born this way.  For everyone else, there are tools to address three major areas that communicate alpha status: body language, psychosocial dominance (game), and status. Starting with body language, this is a

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Rest in Slack, Brother

In honor of Cliff Heller, who merged with the infinite on this day in 2006, the Legal Satyricon flag is lowered to half mast and there will be no posts today. If you happen to find yourself with a bottle of tequila nearby, I would like to invite you to take a shot (no salt) in his honor. [youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OAblYFFx0Cw]

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Indiana Governor lives up to Indiana's negative stereotypes; nobody surprised

By J. DeVoy In a recent interview, Indiana Governor Mitch Daniels talked candidly about his Christian beliefs and values.  Referring to Matthew 6: 1-6, Daniels describes his prayer and almsgiving as “private,” something done for himself and not for posturing before others.  Unfortunately, the same cannot be said for his tolerance of other religions, or people who subscribe to no particular religion. The true irony of Daniels’ interview comes when its interpreted in light of this statement: To me, the core of the Christian faith is humility This is hilarious, because the interview demonstrates anything but.  Unfortunately, Daniels lacks the humility to shut the fuck up despite his ignorance. First, Daniels has a simplistic view of American history for a

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Strange Middle Eastern cult demands removal of public utilities

The Teheran city government installed bicycle lanes so that the city could be more “green,” and to promote healthy lifestyles in the Islamic Republic’s capitol. However, once the lanes were installed, local Mullahs called for them to be removed. They were concerned that faithful Islamic men were being tempted to look at womens’ knees, which are usually exposed when they ride bicycles. The stone-age morality pigs won out, and the bike lanes were removed. Wait… I got that whole thing wrong. It wasn’t in Teheran, it was in New York City. And it wasn’t Islamic stone age cult members, it was Hasids. But, in New York, you don’t criticize these fundamentalist nut-bags. You do as you’re bloody well told by

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The Book of "How Convenient"

It seems that some of the hucksters who make gobs of money lying to MSZJ eaters have come up with an interpretation of the Bible that supports their decision to ignore that whole “meek shall inherit the earth” thing — The Theory of the Wealthy Jesus.

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