Close this search box.

The Janitor has to be lying (or we have to revoke the janitor's Man Card)

The Janitor's Man Card

A Brooklyn high school is all abuzz after its Spanish teacher and French teacher, Cindy Mauro and Alini Brito, were allegedly caught naked together in a classroom by the school’s janitor, who turned them in. They are now suspended from their teaching duties. (source). Get this… they’re both totally hot.

Now lets walk through the story…. let’s say you’re the janitor… Nothing against high school janitors, but I think that even the janitor’s union would agree that none of its members have actually gotten a whole lot of breaks in life. I’m willing to bet that the number of high school janitors who have gotten to watch two hot girls do it, LIVE, is about zero.

So you walk in to an empty classroom with your mop and bucket, and there you see Miss Mauro and Miss Brito naked and making out. You run off and REPORT THEM?

Something about this story doesn’t add up.

Here is the proper procedure, as written in the Man Manual, for how to handle stumbling across two hot girls doing each other in an inappropriately public place.

Step 1: Just watch for a little while. Do not be creepy about it. Do not begin masturbating. Just watch. Smile. Behold. Kinda the way you watch a sunset. No cheering. No commentary. Just shut the fuck up and watch until one of them, or both of them, notice you.

Step 2: Ask if you can join in. Chances are not high that you’ll get the green light, but you miss 100% of the shots you do not take. Toss that hail mary pass. Be polite about it. Don’t be pushy, pathetic, or creepy. Just a simple “would you mind if I join in?” or “whaddaya say we do this family-style” or something of the sort. If denied, proceed to step 3.

Step 3: Ask again, but don’t be a dick and don’t be pushy. Just a “c’mon, it will be fuuuuun!” If denied, go to step 4.

Step 4: Find a comfortable, out of the way place, where you won’t interfere with the natural process unfolding in front of you, and just watch. If they tell you to leave, well, sorry… you gotta leave. No protest. Just smile, say something nice, maybe even volunteer to do lookout, but you do have to leave. Go to step 5.

Step 5: Think about the fact that perhaps there is a God, and he loves you, and that’s why you got to watch the Spanish teacher and the French teacher doing each other — even for a brief moment. The next time you are at a bar with more than three buddies, buy a round of beers and shots. When the boys ask why, you tell them to do the shot, then you tell the story, then you drink the beer as you try and convince them that you’re not full of shit. They will not believe you, but you’ll drink that nice cold beer with the smug smile of a man with some great material in his spank bank.

THAT is how you handle this situation. EVERY man would handle it the EXACT same way.*

If you run off and get the girls busted, you’re a douche, and you lose your man card. EVERY man knows this.

Therefore, either the janitor is lying, or he’s a douche who just lost his man card.


* UPDATE: How insensitive of me. I was being completely heterocentric in this post. If the janitor was gay, he wouldn’t need to go through those steps. The gay male directions would be much simpler. Wink, withdraw, and cover for them.

Skip to content